On Writing ‘Reckless Abandon’

Down from a throat infection for most of this week, I woke up at 3am on Wednesday with unbearable pains and discomfort. Without question, I headed downstairs to take a dose of Ibuprofen to get some ease so I could catch some sleep. Lying back in bed waiting for the pills to kick in was one thing, going back to sleep was another. So I picked up my phone and began to write Reckless Abandon – A ‘Ravens’ Story.

Words flowed as I typed, I didn’t have any difficulty with the story because it was one quite dear to my heart. The story also backs a fundamental pillar of life and my belief in God as the One who takes care of me. I wanted to share it so badly that within an hour I was done and extremely impressed with what I had written. So I began to read through over and over again to check for typos and portions to reword. I also tried to arrange it the way I like my posts, Justify and Align Center. As I worked on it, in a split second, my phone blinked with a message: WordPress Has Stopped. Oh dear. I really didn’t need this happening at this time. I went back to the app and opened it again to continue my work. Bleep. It happened again. When I want something done, it’s quite difficult to interrupt me until it’s finished. I reopened the app the second time and continued. My final edit was to ‘Select All’ and ‘Justify’, so I highlighted the entire piece and searched for Justify among all the editing options. I finish up most of my posts on my laptop so this was a first for me working on my phone. Not finding it, I clicked on ‘Horizontal Line’ by mistake and the entire write-up disappeared, leaving only a horizontal line on the page.

Oh. My. God.

I was working on my phone. I had no idea where the ‘undo’ button was. I know I had seen it before, but I had already begun to panic, so finding it was impossible. Confused, I clicked the ‘back’ button on my phone hoping it might be nice enough to take me back in time, even for just a few seconds, but it exited the page, saving the post as it was.

Dead.

All my hard work – GONE!

You know those chemicals in your inside that mix up to form a nice cocktail of anxiety? Yeah, those ones. They began to mix, I could feel them inside as they welled up towards my chest. It wasn’t long before I started shaking. My head was full. I was in shock. I honestly didn’t know what next to do. I knew I would never be able to sleep feeling like that. I picked up the phone and tried to start again, but I couldn’t, so I put it down, closed my eyes and breathe really hard.

“Why, Lord?”

That was the beginning of a long and exposing conversation which I choose to paraphrase.

“In your post, you wrote “every word He spoke to me was as important as the air I breathe”, why the past tense? What’s happened now?”

I had no response.

“You are sharing with others that I’ve got your back. Do you really believe it?”

No response.

“The app crashed twice, do you know why? I was trying to get your attention but you wouldn’t budge. You need to get some rest, so I had to stop you.”

“Whaaat?”

“Do you think I’ve got your back?”

“Yes, I do.”

“So why are you anxious?”

(A response I cannot put in words)

“Do you believe I can remind you of every word you wrote in that post?”

“Yes, You can.”

“So rest. You continue in the morning.”

“But how do I get rid of the cocktail of anxiety bubbling in my inside? It’s not like I can press a button and I’ll stop being jittery.”

“Remind yourself of what I can do. I can fix it.”

“You can fix it, Lord.”

“You will fix it, Lord.”

“You’ll fix it, Lord . . . “

I caught myself laughing a bit as I continued to repeat those words. Soon enough, those anxiety causing hormones begin to wean and disappear as I drifted to sleep.

This would be the first ‘proper’ conversation I have had with the Lord for a while now, and it felt good. I felt loved, like the day He sent the Ravens.

 

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I have always wondered how to handle those hormones. The ones that mix up to expose our fears and our doubts and our anxiety. Most times I have allowed them to run their course till the circumstances change, I never really knew I could deal with them head-on. But my Father in heaven used this experience to teach me how to get rid of anxiety when it tries to oppress me: I remind myself over again about the God who for me has given everything, and Who has the capacity to fix whatever it might be. I introduce my circumstances to the One who can sort them out, in His own way!

Anxiety cannot win over the Word of the Lord, His word is sharper than any two-edged sword . . . I’ve always known this scripture, but now I KNOW IT.

Try God’s Word.

 

 

 

Feature Photo: Pixar’s 404 Error Page