This morning, I woke up and found myself in the dark. I wasn’t surprised, I have been wandering in that direction for some days. Heart palpitations – a strange kind of heaviness that comes when I think of anything, anything at all. I tried to stick to my routine, I prayed out whatever words could come and picked up my phone to access my bible app. I read through, numb, I noticed. I tried to find the strings that connected me to my spirit, but it was too thin, and a strange wind was blowing that fluttered it too fast for me to catch a grip, so I let go. The thoughts? Yes, they all rushed in like a mighty wave and I couldn’t defend myself . . .
“Where is your faith?”
“You’re overwhelmed with too many things that you are achieving nothing”
“I’m not smart, even if I tried to learn all this stuff, I won’t succeed”
“Of course, you are not good enough in this and that way”
I’ve fought this battle many times. I’ve written about my victories many times. I’ve resisted many times. I’m back here, one more time.
I’ve cried, my eyes are swollen like a puffer fish. My tears have soiled my sofa. I’ve asked my Father,
“WHERE ARE YOU?”
People underestimate the battles we fight in our minds. They see us get into ourselves and think we’re too touchy, or too sensitive, or too weak. They don’t understand that the mind is a very lonely place, so we try not to live there any longer than necessary.
The insecurities drive us to question our identity. They make us want to self-isolate – of course, it’s worse than any virus. So I’m tempted to switch off my phone, lock myself in my toilet and cry till my tears run out, but I can’t – I have a husband and kids who are helpless to whatever is going on inside of me – helpless is even an understatement. Was it easier when I was alone? I can’t remember – and that’s the thing – when this is over, I won’t remember how it felt, and that’s why I write, so I never forget that there’s a place I wish I never go – the dark – and when I’m in the light, I’ll cherish every moment.
As I knelt and prayed, I heard His voice:
“I AM HERE!”
Maybe I didn’t believe it, so He sent my brother to me with a message that stung:
Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on their God. Isaiah 50:10
You see, I had sent out an SOS to my family asking they pray with/for me. It’s the 20th of April, our parent’s wedding anniversary, and a day we spend waiting on the Lord as a family, so I knew they will be sensitive enough to catch something on my behalf. I had missed his call, so I called back. If you must know, my siblings and I are weird in some weird way, we don’t know how to be mushy or anything, so I wasn’t expecting a counselling session from my brother. I tried to explain best how I felt to him and in our usual fashion he said: “It is well”. Then he said, “Go and read this verse . . .” The moment I saw ‘Dark’ and ‘Light’ in it, I knew it was mine.
“Don’t try to find a way out, don’t try to make sense of it, just trust Him in the dark”
But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment. Isaiah 50:11
He was referring to that verse, and I understood.
All the while I had been asking God to help me receive His light because He is always shining, but what I didn’t realise was He wants me to trust Him in the dark. This truth is enough for me.
Yesterday I wrote this on the post I reblogged:
Don’t crumble under the pressure, there is always light at the end of every tunnel, and if you come out of it at night . . . wait for daylight!
I didn’t know I’d be saying it to myself today.
If you asked me what was wrong with me, my answer would be: “I don’t know, I just feel heavy inside”, but I’m okay, because I know . . .
GOD IS IN THIS WITH ME!